Lately, I've been having nothing but bad days. I don't want to get up in the morning, have very little to look forward to, and dread having to go to school. I'm falling back into what I call the "pattern of forced silence" It's like seventh grade all over again! I'm too old to act like a depressed, shy, socially crippled thirteen year old! I should be acting like a shy socially awkward sixteen year old instead. I feel like I haven't grown up at all, and this school year feels more like five all in one. I really hate that I don't remember anything that happened to me, or what I did before freshman year. (I only call it like that because it feels like I was a freshie five years ago, and i feel hypocritical because it was only last year, but seriously this school year has been torturous and long) It seems I forget everything that isn't happening now or doesn't affect the near future, which is frustrating because everything affect who, and how I am in the future and I STILL can't really remember the details all that well. I men like sure, I remember those orchestra pieces, that math formula, and all that school stuff. No, instead of all that I'm losing what is truly important, the memories of events people places. It makes me feel like, along with those memories that are being blurred, my true self is slowly starting to fade away. My innocence and my happiness and the person I was is disappearing too fast for me to even figure out who I was to begin with, or how to stop things from changing. I hate being depressed all the time but I just can't shake the melancholy that seems to be my stalker.
what i hate the most is that yeah, sure, I'm lonely, but there are others who have it a lot worse off than me, and I'm sitting here whining about my petty concerns. I hate that I feel I have no right to be sad, because the rest of the world is sad, and there are bad things happening to good people, whereas I'm living a fairly uneventful, peaceful, privileged life.
I don't want to go in to the details of today or yesterday or the day before, because, although they won't seem all that depressing to a stranger, they just bring me down. There's nothing extremely bad or hurtful happening to me, I have no issues with getting good grades or something, I didn't fail a test, no I just feel depressed. I feel bored, apathetic, lonely, useless, wasteful, dirty, sick, healthy, unhealthy, hungry, nauseous every day.
Speaking of, i keep getting a very bad nausea lately and it makes me miserable because I think it's just a physical side effect of the fact that i already feel miserable. I'm starting to give up caring, and I oftentimes find myself wondering what it'd be like if I died. How I could kill myself, what would happen, or if there was a way for my life to just end without me hurting my family by being the one to end my life. I want everything to end, I want to be able to sleep forever, never wake up, but I can't won't do that to my parents. I'm too stubborn to admit that i'm that weak. To me suicide is the coward's way out, and it infuriates me that sometimes, when I'm at my saddest, most self loathing point, I seriously consider it. sometimes I even find myself praying to deities I don't believe in and asking them to quietly just kill me. Send that car crashing onto the sidewalk, send that tree tumbling down on top of me, give me some random heart failure, let me fall asleep and forget how to wake up dying in my sleep, give me a life threatening disease, I find myself sometimes begging a God I don't know anything about and I'm not even sure I believe in to kill me. "Just kill me, please." How sick is that? It's disgusting! It makes me hate myself even more.
I'm too affected by things that don't matter, I get hung up over things and I torture myself over the silliest most illogical things. I care too much about things that reall in the long run DONT MATTER, and i know this. I know that I need to learn to let thigns go, and I try, but sometimes I find myself believeing I've gottten over something, only to have it come back to haunt me, ripping open barely healed emotional scars and digging a deeper hole inside my gut filling it with garbage like a land mine.
Anyways all of this can be summed up into: I'm depressed, I keep having bad days, that have no really bad things happening during them, I don't want to get up and go to school every day, I am bored, jaded if you will, apathetic, and sometimes the exact opposite of apathetic. right now I'm a whiny brat throwing a pity party, but oh well. I'm going to school, I'm not going home "sick", I'm not doing my homework, I'm somehow not failing despite that, and I'm doing what I'm supposed to, what i HAVE to do. I've been so busy doing what I have to do, that I've forgotten what I WANT to do. I just really want some life changing thing to happen. I really hope for it to be good, but at this point, with everything around me remaining the same as it's always been, I'd settle for a horrible horrible thing. And the thought that I'd embrace a tragedy happening in my life, despite those it might hurt, disgusts me.