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Bad days

Posted on 2011.04.15 at 23:45
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
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  Lately, I've been having nothing but bad days. I don't want to get up in the morning, have very little to look forward to, and dread having to go to school. I'm falling back into what I call the "pattern of forced silence" It's like seventh grade all over  again! I'm too old to act like a depressed, shy, socially crippled thirteen year old! I should be acting like a shy socially awkward sixteen year old instead. I feel like I haven't grown up at all, and this school year feels more like five all in one. I really hate that I don't remember anything that happened to me, or what I did before freshman year. (I only call it like that because it feels like I was a freshie five years ago, and i feel hypocritical because it was only last year, but seriously this school year has been torturous and long) It seems I forget everything that isn't happening now or doesn't affect the near future, which is frustrating because everything affect who, and how I  am in the future and I STILL can't really remember the details all that well. I men like sure, I remember those orchestra pieces, that math formula, and all that school stuff. No, instead of all that I'm losing what is truly important, the memories of events people places. It makes me feel like, along with those memories that are being blurred, my true self is slowly starting to fade away. My innocence and my happiness and the person I was is disappearing too fast for me to even figure out who I was to begin with, or how to stop things from changing. I hate being depressed all the time but I just can't shake the melancholy that seems to be my stalker.

what i hate the most is that yeah, sure, I'm lonely, but there are others who have it a lot worse off than me, and I'm sitting here whining about my petty concerns. I hate that I feel I have no right to be sad, because the rest of the world is sad, and there are bad things happening to good people, whereas I'm living a fairly uneventful, peaceful, privileged life. 

I don't want to go in to the details of today or yesterday or the day before, because, although they won't seem all that depressing to a stranger, they just bring me down. There's nothing extremely bad or hurtful happening to me, I have no issues with getting good grades or something,  I didn't fail a test, no I just feel depressed. I feel bored, apathetic, lonely, useless, wasteful, dirty, sick, healthy, unhealthy, hungry, nauseous every day.
Speaking of, i keep getting a very bad nausea lately and it makes me miserable because I think it's just a physical side effect of the fact that i already feel miserable. I'm starting to give up caring, and I oftentimes find myself wondering what it'd be like if I died. How I could kill myself, what would happen, or if there was a way for my life to just end without me hurting my family by being the one to end my life. I want everything to end, I want to be able to sleep forever, never wake up, but I can't won't do that to my parents. I'm too stubborn to admit that i'm that weak. To me suicide is the coward's way out, and it infuriates me that sometimes, when I'm at my saddest, most self loathing point, I seriously consider it. sometimes I even find myself praying to deities I don't believe in and asking them to quietly just kill me. Send that car crashing onto the sidewalk, send that tree tumbling down on top of me, give me some random heart failure, let me fall asleep and forget how to wake up dying in my sleep, give me a life threatening disease, I find myself sometimes begging a God I don't know anything about and I'm not even sure I believe in to kill me. "Just kill me, please."  How sick is that? It's disgusting! It makes me hate myself even more. 
I'm too affected by things that don't matter, I get hung up over things and I torture myself over the silliest most illogical things. I care too much about things that reall in the long run DONT MATTER, and i know this. I know that I need to learn to let thigns go, and I try, but sometimes I find myself believeing I've gottten over something, only to have it come back to haunt me, ripping open barely healed emotional scars and digging a deeper hole inside my gut filling  it with garbage like a land mine.

Anyways all of this can be summed up into: I'm depressed, I keep having bad days, that have no really bad things happening during them, I don't want to get up and go to school every day, I am bored, jaded if you will, apathetic, and sometimes the exact opposite of apathetic. right now I'm a whiny brat throwing a pity party, but oh well. I'm going to school, I'm not going home "sick", I'm not doing my homework, I'm somehow not failing despite that, and I'm doing what I'm supposed to, what i HAVE to do. I've been so busy doing what I have to do, that I've forgotten what I WANT to do.  I just really want some life changing thing to happen. I really hope for it to be good, but at this point, with everything around me remaining the same as it's always been, I'd settle for a horrible horrible thing. And the thought that I'd embrace a tragedy happening in my life, despite those it might hurt, disgusts me.

 I felt like absolute shit during the entirety of winter guard. It was ridiculous the way I was being treated. But I just had to grin and bear it, because you don't quit after putting in as much time and effort as I did. My self esteem was mangled even worse than it was before I started. I want to quit, and yet I don't want to quit at the same time. I put in so much effort, and no one even bothers to acknowledge how hard I've tried. they just tear me down without a second thought. I guess it all comes down to accepting the face that 100% effort doesn't achieve 100% results. When it comes to color guard it seems like not even 150% effort achieves 90% results. I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that color guard just isn't for me. Another part of me thinks I could be great at it if I weren't so fat, weren't so tall. And another aspect of my personality refuses to quit because that would mean that I lose. Either way it's a lose lose situation. I don't gain anything from color guard. Nada, zip, zero. I just get a sore self esteem, new emotional wounds, and a lot of heart ache. Sometimes I think that the instructor is trying to make me quit. And so I'm left with the question. Am I going to sacrifice that time again? Am I going to go through that another year? I just don't know, because I don't think it's going to change. I think she's chosen me as one of the girls she's going to repeatedly give a hard time because she thinks I'm too meek to do anything about it.

Well, She's wrong. I'm not too meek to do anything about it. I will not let her break me down. I will not let her make me quit. If I quit it's not going to because she makes me think I'm not good enough. I'm going to go to weapons camp, and to the weapons practices and work my ass off in the attempt to become one of the weapons next year. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to quit because of it. However I'm fairly certain that if she calls me out in front of the whole guard again and uses the phrase "you can't have a little solo over there" one more time I will quit right then, on the spot I will put up my flag, grab my bag, and walk away.

My sister is considering joining guard next year. I really hope she does, because then it just might get a little better for me. Which is a totally selfish reason, I know, but I think she'll do great at it. I think it's something she really should consider. I have had a lot of fun at guard, although for me, the bad has outweighed the good. Plus, I like the fact that my little sis is probably gonna bitch HER out if she yells at me. :) that would make me rofl.

Now that winter guard is over I'm left with a lot of questions. Like, how am I going to bring up my acc math grade, my H chem grade, my H french III grade? A 79, a 87, and another 87 in successive order. I don't have to worry about H lit or Ap soc. they are both As I just have to make sure I don't fuck up and bring them down. that would be easy to do if I could focus. If I weren't so depressed that I don't want to ever leave the house, I don't want to get up and eat, (although I do, I get up and I eat extremely large amounts while still failing to get enough nutrition) And, dear god, I don't even want to go to school. thankfully it's Spring break right now.

I think that I've done enough worrying and writing for now so I'm going to just post this and write more later, or tomorrow, or something. :)

Writer's Block: Snow chic.

Posted on 2011.01.13 at 15:54
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What’s your favorite way to stay looking chic in winter?

Form fitting black winter coat  skinny jeans, and equestrian  boots. :)

Writer's Block: Rise and shine

Posted on 2011.01.13 at 15:52
What's the first thing you do when you wake up?

Curse. Swear. Wish I could go back to bed. Whine moan, and complain. What else?

Writer's Block: Everyday I write the book

Posted on 2011.01.13 at 15:51
If you were to write your autobiography, what would be the title?

I can't let go


Posted on 2010.11.22 at 18:57
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I finally figured out what my questions are.  My questions that make me cry at night, that make me starve myself, gag myself, cut myself, hate myself. 

Why did I have to be born a girl?

Why is God spoken of as if he were a boy?

Why is it that I am tortured by the media, by my peers, by everything because I am not beautiful?

Why did I have to be a girl?

Where does it say that you aren't feminine if you are 5'11"?

Where does it say that it's a sin to be a fat girl?

Why is it that i'm a dyke just because I lopped off all my hair?

Why is it that I'm a tomboy because I felt like wearing jeans and a t-shirt every day of seventh grade?

My answer to these questions?

I don't know

Fuck everyone.

How am I?

Posted on 2010.11.22 at 17:25
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 Well I've got a sinus infection and am constantly being asked if I took  my antibiotics.  My mom is asking me every two seconds how i got that band aid and immediately assumes I cut my self.  And I am currently mindfucked by a book i just finished.

Some Girls Are by Courtney Summers
The most disturbing thing you will ever read.
I am so disturbed right now I can't decide if I love it or hate it.

jrock---its amazing

Posted on 2010.11.10 at 19:30
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courtesy of? youtube


Posted on 2010.11.08 at 00:58
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My try outs were postponed

Posted on 2010.11.08 at 00:42
I'm starting the ABC diet as soon as the sun comes up.  On Friday I'll binge without purging on Saturday I will eat normally.  Sunday I'm back to wherever I left off on thursday day whatever.   i will lose this weight.  I will no longer be the fat ugly tall girl I will be the thin tall girl.

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